i hate myself for being myself..
i want to be sociable, to have lots of friends, to be able to chat everything under the sun with them, to be able to have late outings with them..
i hate myself.
i hate my mother for not allowing me to stay/go out late..
as a result, i lost chances of meeting more wonderful friends/ maintaining old good friendships/ lost my love..
i'm feeling so depressed - depression is on its way finding me..
useless.
how can i change myself to a more sociable me?
yes, i don't club - but i would love to.
i'm always smileless - i don't know how to be happy from the deep of my heart, without you.
i envy girls who can mix around with people well, who people will look for when they go out..
i only know how to be emo, how to cry, how to isolate myself..
but that isn't the way i truthfully want.
i want to be a happy young lady..
i know not how to dress up myself, or at least make myself more presentable..
well, to be exact, i don't have the money to get pretty clothes, etc..
i've spent my money wastefully, on useless stuffs, etc..
i hate myself.
sometimes i wonder how my life would now be if i never came Singapore..
how would it be if i completed my secondary school life in Chung Cheng instead..
how would it be i didn't make the decisions i made..
how would it be if i'm not who i am/was..
how would it be if things turned out the other way different from this cruel reality..
yes, i dislike the reality..
it make me helpless, hopeless, useless..
how i wish i'm always in coma, feelingless to the world around me, feelingless to anything, everything..
argh!!
i don't know what i should be doing. confused, in dilemma..
whatever
